Sibling Rivalry: To Help or Not to Help—That is The Question.

Sibling Rivalry: To Help or Not to Help—That is The Question.

Sibling rivalry is a topic that has plagued parents for years, and the research behind it is enough to make any parent crazy. If you do nothing, your children might think you don’t care; if you get involved, they often blame you for favoring the other child. It seems like a no-win situation.

Let’s break this down…

Sibling rivalry is a microcosm of real life. Their home is their little world where they learn how to deal with things before real life starts to happen. If we step in and fix everything:

• We take away the gift of learning how to maneuver through real life.
• We create the belief of, “You love him more! She is your favorite!”

So what do we do?

First…

We need to know the difference between bullying and a social bump in the road.

• Bullying usually has three components: aggressive behavior that happens over and over with a power differential. The research shows that in these situations it is worse for the child emotionally if we don’t step in and help. Bullying is not just something that happens at school, it can also happen in our homes between siblings. In those moments it is our job to step in and protect the child that is being bullied even if the bully is a sibling.

• Social bumps in the road are those daily interactions of meanness, upset, frustration, and bickering that goes back and forth. Life goes along smoothly, and then, boom, the children hit a bump. Instead of picking them up and taking them over the bump, our children need to learn to get over the bump themselves. We can help them do this.

Second…

Do the prep work. Sit everyone down and explain how you are going to handle sibling rivalry.

Explain that you will step in and help when:

• Someone is being bullied
• Someone is in danger
• An anger rule has been broken (harming themselves, others, or property)

Third…

In the moments when you do need to step in and the “You love him more than you love me!” begins, get really good at saying, “I hear that you think I love him more right now, but this is about protection, not favoritism.” This lets everyone know that loving them means protecting them, even if it is from one another.

Fourth…

If it is a social bump in the road, let them know you are there to help problem solve, but you also have confidence in them to do it themselves.

Fifth…

Send everyone to their own space when things are escalating, or if you simply need some peace and quiet. Say, “Here is the deal, I need you all to go have some time alone to calm yourself down. My job is to make sure everyone is safe and protected, and I feel like you are all getting close to saying or doing something hurtful.”

If you have children who are too little to be alone, sit with them calmly until they can calm down.

Sixth…

Create a quiet corner. In their room, in a closet, or in a corner of the family room, put books, journals, markers, stuffed animals, music, or anything you come up with to help a child calm down. We often expect our children to calm down, but we don’t teach them how to do it. Give them the tools they need to calm down minus the shame and blame that often come with anger.

For younger children, get a large appliance box, cut out windows and a door, and give them markers. Inside they are free to write whatever they want to process through their big feelings. Kids love small spaces and the freedom to write what they want is a great way to do this.

Seventh…

Fights and anger aren’t bad. They become a problem when they are handled in hurtful ways. We must teach our children how to handle their anger and how to calm down from their anger. If they break an anger rule, give them a consequence to learn from their mistake. If they are simply angry, give them the gift of learning how to process through it and calm down.

Eighth…

Once everyone is calmed down and consequences are given (if needed), move on. If we spend too much time dwelling on sibling rivalry, we can create bigger problems. Kids will fight, bicker and be mean. Prep yourself and your children for it, deal with it when it happens, and move on after it is over. Enjoy the moments when it is calm and quiet because I guarantee there will be another blow-up right around the corner.

Ninth…

Remember this is relatively normal. You are raising very different personalities under one roof. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that this is the world we are living in right now. It might seem like you will be here forever, but it will be over in a blink of an eye. They will grow up, and the crazy, wild ride you are living right now will become a distant memory.

Tenth…

You’ve got this! Your children need you to be their strength when they are feeling out of control. Be their anchor in the choppy waters, but don’t beat yourself up when you get pulled into the craziness of it! Apologize and try again. Our children need to learn how to be strong, but also how to take responsibility when they mess up.

For more parenting read my book, The Parenting Backpack.