“You are such a bad mom.”

At least, that’s what the voice in my head liked to tell me whenever I felt like I had done something wrong.

• Maybe my child was mad at me because I sided with their sibling during a conflict.
• Maybe another was sad because I forgot about their class party.
• Or maybe I got angry, reacted in a way I didn’t like, and then felt horrible afterward.

No matter the situation, if one of my kids was upset with me, whether I had actually done something wrong or not, that voice in my head would start pounding away:

• You are such a bad mom.
• You always mess up.
• You are such an idiot.

Meanwhile, my kids were often having completely normal reactions to disappointment, frustration, or anger.

They were having feelings and my brain was turning those feelings into a story about me.

When my kids were little, the story was pretty easy to quiet. It usually didn’t take long for them to forget their grievance and follow it up with a “Mommy, I love you” or a snuggle at bedtime.

And instantly, the voice would settle down.  See? Everything is okay. My kiddo loves me.

But as they got older, there was more pushback. More striving for independence and snuggles were traded for closed doors.

And that’s when the voice got louder.

I also started trying harder to prove that voice wrong.

• Maybe if I cooked their favorite meals.
• Maybe if I bought them that outfit they wanted.
• Maybe if I let them stay out a little later.
• Maybe if I did more, gave more, fixed more, they would be happy with me and that voice would finally leave me alone.

But my maybes didn’t work.

And the voice didn’t go away.

For years, I believed it. How could I not?

It was coming from inside my own head.

But through research and my own counseling, I started to understand something that changed everything for me:

That voice wasn’t necessarily telling me the truth.

It was trying to protect me from feelings that were much harder to sit with.

• My fear of losing connection with my kids.
• My fear of not being liked.
• My fear of not being enough.
• My fear that as they grew up, they wouldn’t need me in the same way anymore.

It was easier for that voice to say, You’re a bad mom. You’re an idiot. You messed this up, than for me to get curious about what was underneath it.

So I started fact-checking the voice.

Was I a bad mom?

No. I was a mom trying her best who sometimes made mistakes.

Did I always mess things up?

No. I was doing pretty dang well. I just sometimes got tripped up by my own worries, insecurities, and fears.

Was I an idiot?

Of course not.

Sometimes I made a decision I regretted. Sometimes I overreacted. Sometimes I got it wrong.

But making a mistake didn’t mean there was something wrong with me.

And once I understood what was underneath that mean voice, I could respond to myself differently.

• You aren’t a bad mom. You’re holding on a little too tightly because part of you is afraid of losing the connection you have with your kids.
• You aren’t messing everything up. You’re afraid your kids won’t like you, so sometimes you try too hard.
• You aren’t an idiot. You made a mistake. You can repair it and try again.

That shift gave me something I hadn’t been giving myself:

Empathy.

And the more I understood what was behind the voice, the less power the voice had over me.

Just because the voice in your head says something doesn’t make it true.

Sometimes we have to get curious enough to ask:

What is this voice really trying to tell me?

Maybe your voice doesn’t say, You’re a bad mom.

Maybe it says:

• You’re too hard on them.
• You’re too soft.
• You should have handled that better.
• Why can’t you get this right?

The words may be different, but so many of us have a voice that gets louder when parenting feels hard. And sometimes, understanding that voice is where everything begins to change.

This is some of the work we do in The Parenting Reset.

We listen to that voice. We get curious about where it came from. We notice how it may be influencing the way we parent. And then we learn how to respond differently, not just to our kids, but to ourselves.

Because there is something incredibly freeing about hearing that old voice say, You’re messing this up and finally being able to answer:

No, I’m not. I’m human. I’m learning. And I don’t have to parent from this fear anymore.

If this sounds familiar, I’d love to have you join me for The Parenting Reset at The Nest or virtually

You don’t need to become a different parent. Sometimes the biggest change begins when you start understanding the parent you already are.

Choose the way that works for you. Work through The Parenting Reset one-on-one with me, go through it together with your spouse, or gather a group of friends or couples and create your own private Parenting Reset group.

If you’d like to learn more, reach out here. I’d love to connect with you.