You are such a bad mom!

“You are such a bad mom.”

At least, that’s what the voice in my head liked to tell me whenever I felt like I had done something wrong.

• My child was mad at me because I sided with their sibling during a conflict.
• Another was sad because I forgot to dress up for Mystery Reader.
• Or maybe I got angry, reacted in a way I didn’t like, and then felt horrible afterward.

No matter the situation, if one of my kids was upset with me, whether I had actually done something wrong or not, that voice in my head would start pounding away:

• You are such a bad mom.
• You always mess up
• Your kids wish they had a better mom.

Meanwhile, my kids were often having completely normal reactions to disappointment, frustration or anger.

They were having feelings. My brain was turning those feelings into a story about me.

When my kids were little, the story was pretty easy to quiet. It usually didn’t take long for them to forget their grievance and follow it up with a “Mommy, I love you” or a snuggle at bedtime. And instantly, the voice would settle down.

See? Everything is okay. My kiddo loves me.

But as they got older, there was more pushback. More striving for independence. Snuggles were traded for closed doors.

And that’s when the voice got louder.

I also started trying harder to prove it wrong.

• Maybe if I cooked their favorite meals, they would need me more.
• Maybe if I bought them that outfit they wanted.
• Maybe if I let them stay out a little later.
• Maybe if I did more, gave more, fixed more, they would be happy with me and that voice would finally leave me alone.

But my maybes didn’t work.

And the voice didn’t go away.

For years, I believed it. How could I not? It was coming from inside my own head. But through research and my own counseling, I started to understand something that changed everything for me:

That voice wasn’t necessarily telling me the truth.

It was trying to protect me from feelings that were much harder to sit with.

My fear of being alone. My fear of not being liked. My fear of not being enough.

It was easier for that voice to tell me "you’re a bad mom" than for me to face what was behind it.

So I started fact-checking the voice.

Was I a bad mom?

No. I was a mom trying her best who sometimes made mistakes.

Was I messing everything up?

No. I was doing pretty dang well. I just sometimes got tripped up by my own worries, insecurities and fears.

Did my kids wish they had a better mom?

No. They loved me. They also got mad at me sometimes. Both could be true.

And once I understood what was underneath that mean voice, I could respond to myself differently.

• You aren’t a bad mom. You’re holding on a little too tightly because part of you is afraid your kids are going to grow up and leave.
• You aren’t messing everything up. You’re afraid your kids won’t like you, so sometimes you try too hard.
• Your kids don’t wish they had a better mom. You’re scared that they do.

That shift gave me something I hadn't been giving myself: empathy.

And the more I understood what was behind the voice, the less power the voice had over me.

Just because the voice in your head says something doesn’t make it true.

Sometimes we have to get curious enough to ask:

What is this voice really trying to tell me?

This is some of the work we do in The Parenting Reset.

We listen to that voice. We look at where it came from. We notice how it may be influencing the way we parent. And then we begin changing our relationship with it.

Because there is something incredibly freeing about hearing that old voice say, You’re messing this up and finally being able to answer:

No I'm not. I’m human. I’m learning. And I don’t have to parent from this fear anymore.

If this sounds familiar, I’d love to have you join me for The Parenting Reset at The Nest.

You don’t need to become a different parent. Sometimes the biggest change begins when you start understanding the parent you already are.

If you’d like to learn more, email me. I’d love to talk with you.