In today’s Ask Susie G. I will be sharing how your embarrassment will not protect your child. This is important for our children to know that they are being heard.

Ask Susie G.

Dear Susie,

Recently we were at a family party and an old friend of ours came over to say hello. My 7-year-old daughter happened to be standing by me and this friend asked her for a hug. He had not seen her in a while so it did not seem unusual to me, but her reaction was embarrassing and unexpected. She looked at me, looked down and then stepped closer to me as if she wanted to disappear.  

I felt uncomfortable so I lightheartedly said to her, “Oh come on, just give him a hug!” she then nuzzled her head into my side like she was about 4-years-old. She tends to be a bit shy, but nothing like this. I simply looked at our friend and explained how sorry I was and he seemed to brush it off and understand. I was so embarrassed! Any ideas on what I can do help her not be so shy in these situations?

Thank you,

Embarrassed Mom

My Response:

Dear Embarrassed Mom,

It is not unusual for a parent to feel embarrassed for their child’s actions, but this has less to do with the child and more to do with the parent. For just a moment I want you to take your friend out of the equation, remove the embarrassment and just focus on your child. What do you think she was trying to tell you? I am guessing she felt uncomfortable hugging this man for what can be several reasons and she was looking to you for help. This is the perfect opportunity to teach setting boundaries.

These moments are golden opportunities to help empower our children, but we don’t because of our own insecurities, our own ego and what I call our ROCKS.

I am a firm believer in parenting re-dos when we miss the mark. There is no shame or blame. It is the mentality, when I know better I do better. So, let’s know better…

1. When our children feel uncomfortable in a situation, listen to them. Listen to their body language and listen to their words. When we teach a child to hug someone and they are uncomfortable doing so, we don’t teach our children about setting boundaries. So, as they get older and they are without us, they don’t know how to say NO!
2. Setting boundaries can be done empathetically. In this situation, the boundary could have been set using your words, “No hugs today? Sounds good. How about a high five or knuckles?” In that moment, you are setting a boundary for your child. She is uncomfortable with a hug so we give her another option. If she still says no, “Not today? Okay.” That’s it. Move to an adult question, “So how is the family? How is your job? How was your trip?” You are not forcing your child to do something that she is uncomfortable with and you have set an empathetic boundary.
3. Having said this, our goal is to teach our children to have healthy, respectful interactions that also keep them feeling safe and empowered. We do this through education. “I noticed that you did not want to hug our friend today. You never need to feel forced to interact or touch someone in a way that you are not comfortable with, but I do want to teach you healthy and powerful ways to talk with people.” And then you teach and role model…
   • Stand up tall.
   • Look people in the eye.
   • Talk with a strong voice.
   • When you are with mom and dad I do expect you to say hello to friends.
   • If you are alone you can choose to do what makes you feel comfortable.

In other words, you are teaching them to feel comfortable and empowered with you by setting appropriate boundaries, all in the hopes that as they grow they will feel comfortable and empowered without you. Always remember that your embarrassment will not protect your child, but equipping them to set boundaries will.

To learn more about boundaries, read my book, The Parenting Backpack.

All my best to you and your family,

Susie G.