Consequences:

The word “consequences” comes up almost every day in my work. It comes in some form of the question: What consequence should I give my child? This is usually followed up with a frustrating explanation: We have taken everything away and nothing works! NOTHING!

The reason that NOTHING works is because parents sometimes focus on punishing instead of teaching.

Instead of saying: What do I want my child to learn? Parents sometimes focus on: How can I show my child how bad he messed up?

There seems to be this imaginary sliding scale when it comes to disciplining children. If they really mess up, we want them to know just how bad that mess up was. The hope is that children will learn from their punishment.

“Mom and dad are right! I messed up and I know that now. I will try harder next time, I will do better next time, I will be better next time.”

When we focus on punishing to communicate how “bad” the child has behaved, we usually create two different outcomes:

• Shame: I am bad.
• Anger: I hate my parents!

Whether it is one, the other, or a little bit of both, this way of thinking does not produce the outcome we are looking for.

So what outcome are we looking for?

We are looking for our children to become more responsible one mistake at a time.

This happens when we focus on giving consequences based on the choices made.

• When your daughter is disrespectful in the way she is talking to you, what do you want her to learn? 
• If your son has a difficult time getting out the door on time in the morning, what do you want him to learn? 
• When your teenage daughter goes out with friends after you specifically told her to clean her room first, what do you want her to learn? 

I challenge you to change “What consequence should I give my child?” to “What do I want my child to learn?” Children learn by hearing the reasons behind our rules followed by the results of their actions.

• Being disrespectful to people will never get you what you want. If you are going to choose to talk to me disrespectfully, I can’t hear you. Please try again.
• Getting ready in the morning is your job. If you are going to continue to be late for school, we will need to make an appointment with the principal so she can share the importance of getting to school on time.
• Taking care of your stuff is important. When you chose not to clean your room, you chose to come home and clean it.

Is this easy? No. However, switching your focus from punishing to teaching will help you steer clear of shame and anger. It will give you a much better chance of raising a child who internalizes responsibility.

For more parenting tips, read my book, The Parenting Backpack.