The 5 Things Your Children Need You to Know About Anger

Anger is not uncommon in parenting. For some, it is a daily occurrence, but if left unchecked, it can become problematic for a number of reasons. Below I share with you the story of Jane. Whenever I share a story from counseling, I always change the names and some of the circumstances to protect the privacy of others. If you can relate to Jane’s story, scroll to the bottom and read, The 5 Things Your Children Need You to Know About Anger. It will help make a difference in your family starting today. 

Jane:

Jane was a quiet girl. When she and her mom sat on my couch, their dynamic became clear the moment mom began speaking. With confidence she said, “I know my daughter better than anyone! She is fragile. I am not. I get angry. Especially when she does not do well in school. It is so frustrating because the angrier I get the quieter she becomes. It is like she is not listening. She needs your help.” 

I quietly listened, my eyes bouncing back and forth between Jane and her mom. As mom spoke, Jane sat like a statue and stared at me. She was frozen except for the tears welling up in her eyes. She did not speak a word; she didn’t need to. I could hear what she was thinking loud and clear.

I began seeing Jane every week. She explained that school was difficult for her. She tried as hard as she could, but no matter what she did, she seemed to fail. Late nights of studying, staying after school for help, and tutors were all part of her weekly process. Test day would arrive, the results would be posted, and Jane would go home with a stomach ache knowing how the story would play out, “Wow! You failed again? Why do I even bother paying for a tutor? You seem to fail no matter what I do! You are never going to get into high school!” Jane would sit, much the way she did on my couch that first day, and she would listen to mom’s angry rant. She would say nothing. How could she? She was too fearful of mom’s reaction. 

The 5 Things Your Children Need You to Know Regarding Anger

1. Something is hiding behind your anger.

Is it fear? Sadness? Insecurity? Exhaustion? Our anger is often a mask for our true feelings. We show anger because it feels powerful and in control. Fear, sadness, and insecurity, on the other hand, feel vulnerable and out of control. Look behind your anger and ask yourself what is hiding there. Once you know the origin of your anger, you can stop parenting from it and begin focusing on what will help.

2. Your child’s balloon is filling up with air.

When we escalate in anger, we often do and say things that are hurtful. This causes a child’s “balloon” to fill up with air. Too much air causes a balloon to pop, but some balloons don’t pop, they just hold all the icky air inside. In humans, when too much hurt is absorbed, anger is usually expelled—except when it isn’t. Some children keep all the pain inside. This can create feelings of low self-esteem and worthlessness. We must allow a safe place for our children to let the air out of their balloon regardless of their mistakes or failures.

3. Listen, understand, and validate.

Take time to listen, understand, and validate your child. Just because they make a mistake or have failed, doesn’t mean they need to be punished, and just because you validate your child doesn’t mean you agree with what happened. You are simply connecting with them. Our children often need us the most when we like them the least. Take time to connect with them, and then give them a consequence if needed. A lesson can be learned without the pain that anger brings.

4. What do I want my child to learn?

If we focus on what we want our children to learn, we take our fears and insecurities out of the equation. If Jane’s mom could have put her anger aside, she could have helped Jane problem solve and figure out the next best step. Jane’s superpower might not be math, reading, or science, but can she get better at it? Yes, but this will only happen when mom steps away from her anger and focuses on what she wants Jane to learn. This is when confidence is internalized, and baby steps are taken toward success.

5. Your reactions matter. 

This is hard to hear, especially if you have said hurtful things in anger. It often leaves us with feelings of guilt, and guilt always changes the way we parent. Instead, forgive yourself, apologize to your child, and learn from your mistakes. Apologies can heal the pain that has been caused and teach your children that mistakes are part of being human. Remember, it isn’t about being perfect. It’s about how we react to imperfections, both ours and our children’s. Apologize and try harder the next time.

What could mom have done differently?

In this story, Jane had done nothing wrong. She was trying her best, but she was still failing. No anger was needed, but anger was mom’s mask. If mom could look behind her anger, she would see her own fears—worries about her daughter not making it into high school, concerns that she was not going to be successful, embarrassment that she would look like a bad parent. She could process through those tough feelings and begin focusing on what she could do to help Jane.

Mom could then listen, understand, and validate her. She could say, “I noticed that you did not do well on your test. What happened?” Jane could share her feelings, and mom could listen. Depending on what Jane shared, mom could validate her, “I am sorry you didn’t do well. I know you are trying your hardest. What can I do to help?” Mom could slowly move into problem-solving, empowering Jane to keep on trying. This is how children internalize confidence. When we feel more confident, we often begin doing better.

For more on this and more, check out Susie’s book The Parenting Backpack.