Helping Our Children Feel Secure
Any tragedy that affects children feels out-of-control, scary, and hopeless. Sadly, we have been here way too many times. We want to take all the pain and fear away, but we have no idea how to do that. I don’t know about you, but in these moments, I want to lock the doors, and stay inside with my family. That feels safe and pain free, but it is also not reality. How do we give our children a sense of security in a world that can feel unsafe? There is no perfect equation, but there are a few things that can help.
- A secure and loving home: When the outside world feels out-of-control, children look to their inside world for security. This starts in the home. This starts with parents. As difficult as these moments are, our children don’t need our fear and anxiety. They are looking for a secure and loving place to check-out from the craziness of the outside world. This starts within the walls of their own home. During fearful times, cook together, play boardgames, watch family movies, read books, and laugh. But also, provide structure and routine. Giving a child both nurture and structure within the home is key to internalizing security.
- A safe place to emote: Give your children a safe place to share their worries and fears. I call it the safety net and sitting in the ick. We are simply giving them a safe and non-judgmental place to let air out of their balloon or dump their garbage. It is listening to their worries and fears, understanding their feelings, and validating all of it. We do not want our children to hurt, so we try and take their pain away. Instead, I challenge you to pause, listen, understand, and validate so they can process through their big, scary feelings.
- Reassurance: Once they have had time to process through the tough stuff, move to reassurance. Share with them that bad things happen, but there are also things in place to keep them safe. Locks and alarms on houses, police officers and firefighters to protect, loud screams and fast feet on their bodies. Things will never be perfect, but there are many people and things in place to help. Giving our children a bit of reassurance won’t take all of their fears away, but it can help internalize security.
- Ways to help others: When bad things happen, it can feel helpless and out of control. Help your children find something they do have control over, helping others. Send letters to those who have been hurt, raise money for a cause, advocate for change, anything that that gives hope where there is hurt.
Life is not perfect, and we can’t take bad things or pain away, but we can help internalize security in our children. It starts with you. It starts in your home. This is when security is internalized.
To learn about this and more, read my book, The Parenting Backpack: Strategies and Tools to Help You Parent with Confidence.