Give Them Roots and Give Them Strings

You know the old saying: Give them roots and give them wings?

Well, times have changed. We seem to have lost track of giving our children wings, and instead, we are holding them by a kite string.

Let’s look at the difference…

I live in Arizona. Flying a kite in the desert is usually not very eventful. There is not much wind unless it’s monsoon season, and on those days, flying a kite might end in injury! It also doesn’t help that I live in a cul-de-sac filled with big, leafy trees. Having said that, I gave birth to three children who were all convinced they could beat the odds. Of course, I helped them try.

One of us would hold the string, while the other would run and throw the kite into the still air. The kite would try with all its might to get caught up in an imaginary wind, only to come crashing down when reality set in; kites can’t fly without wind. Or, if we lucked out and found a small gust of wind, it inevitably would find itself stuck in a tree with us yanking it free at all costs. I often walked away with a damaged kite and a little person with a face full of tears.

But, in those same trees, you could find nests with mama birds nurturing their babies. I have one tree just outside my kitchen window, and I watch this cycle of life over and over. As the babies grow, the mama birds turn into mama bears. They squawk and swoop, even dive-bomb at any creature they feel might put their babies in danger. However,

the moment the babies are ready to fly, the mama nudges them out of the nest. Ready or not, they must try to fly, and they do.

The mama sits back and watches, but she does not intervene. Slowly the baby birds figure it out, and with a little practice, they are soon soaring high above the nests that protected them as they grew. I can’t help but think about kites and birds when it comes to raising our children. 

We are living during a time when we are raising more kites than we are birds.

We want them to fly, but we are keeping them attached by a string. Don’t get me wrong, we are doing it because we believe it is love, but in reality, the motivation comes from our fears—fear that we will lose the children we love so dearly.

When we were growing up, our parents did not hold us by a string because they could not do so. When we left the house, they could not communicate with us, and we could not communicate with them. They had to let go, and we had to solve our own problems. Technology has changed this.

I want you to think back to when you were a teenager. What would it feel like to be connected to your parents 24/7? To have your every move tracked? There is a reason teenagers are supposed to slowly become independent and separate from their parents—it’s called growing up. Technology is stifling that natural process.

I am often asked, “What age should I get my child a phone? I don’t want them on social media, but I want to make sure they are okay when they aren’t with me.” We worry about their choices, and we worry that something will happen to them, so we stay connected. Often overly connected. Too connected. We text them and track them and panic when we don’t hear back from them.

This doesn’t allow them to grow, and it keeps them connected to us by that string.

The string is a kite’s lifeline, and the moment it is snipped, the kite can no longer fly. It spins in the wind, falls to the ground, and at times, gets caught in trees. In other words, a kite cannot fly alone.

When we are overly connected to our children, they become overly dependent upon us. The second something goes wrong, they text us. The moment they feel helpless, they text us. That string is not teaching our children to develop the skills they need to survive in the real world.

It just makes them feel like they can fly— when really, they might not be able to.

But, it also infuriates them. When someone is squeezed too tight the instinct is to push, pull, or run away. When we parent from fear and are overly connected, we are creating that same instinct. We are forcing our children to push, pull, and run away without having given them the tools they need to fly on their own.

It is a toxic combination.

We are beginning to see the effects of this on college campuses. Parents are calling to wake their children up for class. Safe spaces have been created where students can go to escape the uncomfortable. There is a rise in anxiety and depression, and many children are finding themselves back at home instead of returning to college life. Is this everyone? No, but we are seeing enough of a shift that parents need to be aware of how our actions are affecting our children’s development.

One of the hardest parts about parenting is allowing our children to grow up. Trust me, I know. I’m in it! I began writing this article last June when my then eighteen-year-old son was traveling through Europe with friends, my twelve-year-old daughter was at a camp in California, and my sixteen-year-old daughter was getting ready to leave for Ecuador.

There are times that I want to close my eyes and go back to those moments when all my birds were asleep in the nest by 8:00 p.m.

I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet running down the hall looking for mom to soothe a nightmare. I want to swoop them up in my arms and keep them safe forever, but the reality is, no matter how much I want this, that time has passed. If I hold on too tightly because of my fears, I will only be hurting them. We need to nudge them out of the nest. We need to teach them how to fly.

This does not mean we just throw them out of the nest hoping that they can.

It is our job to prepare them for flight. We teach them about responsibility, and then, when they are developmentally ready, we give them a little nudge. If they try and fail, we bring them back into the nest and help them prepare to try again. It is giving them a combination of nurture and structure, love and rules, and hugs and consequences. It is what I teach in my book, The Parenting Backpack ,and it is what the research shows works.