When Fixing Becomes Breaking

It is not unusual to want to fix things for our children, but we must be aware of when fixing becomes breaking. Enjoy my latest article…

When Fixing Becomes Breaking

Fixing and motherhood go together like milk and cookies. Both feel comforting and right—something that is almost instinctual. When baby bear is hurt, mama bear needs to swoop in and make it better. But here is where I burst your bubble. When we fix, we are telling our children that we don’t have the confidence in them to do it themselves.

Not too long ago, I was talking with a woman who had four grown children. She had been a stay-at-home mom and a self-professed perfectionist. She shared with me that she did everything for her children.

Partially because she loved it, partially because she felt it was her responsibility being a stay-at-home mom, and partially because she liked it done her way.

One of her adult children was struggling with an eating disorder and began going to counseling. It was there that this daughter realized and verbalized what had been bothering her all along: “My mom did everything for me, so I believed she didn’t think I could do it.”

So, what do we do? How do we stop fixing? We start with the simple question: Why do I fix? And there are MANY answers:

• We don’t want our children to hurt.
• We don’t want to hurt.
• We don’t want our children to look bad.
• We don’t want to look bad.
• We don’t think they can do it.
• We want it done our way.
• We are scared they will get hurt.
• We don’t have enough time.
• We don’t want them to yell at us.
• We just want the problem to go away.

The list can go on and on and on! What we must remember, however, is that confidence comes from struggling through our failures and muddling through our disappointments. It comes from sitting in the ick and then figuring out how to clean ourselves up. It comes from falling down and getting back up. When we intervene and begin fixing, we take away the teachable moment; we take away the possible growth; we take away the gift of confidence.

In a recent parenting class, a mom shared a comment  that I often hear:

“My child is really struggling. After her soccer games she gets in the car crying saying that she ‘sucks’ and that she is the worst player on the team.”

I always follow up with the same question,

“So, how do you respond?”

And while the words are different, the meaning behind them is always the same:

“I tell her she is awesome. I tell her she is crazy to think she is bad. I tell her she is one of the best on the field. I tell her…”

Here is the part that the mom missed—the daughter is telling her she feels one way and the mom is telling her the complete opposite. The mother is not listening; she is simply trying to fix it. In order to help our children become confident and secure, we must learn how to stop fixing and start helping. 

If you want to learn more about this and much more, check out my new book, The Parenting Backpack.